How To Burn Your Foot

An essay by Shan Lee Cook

My dad bought a new ceramic outdoor fireplace today and because it was there, it had to be used. So we're sitting there, and after several hours of watching my father perfect his mastery of the flame, he gets up and stumbles inside (having had a few drinks) leaving me to fend for myself. I could tell he'd passed his limit as he stumbled passed the window in the living room, and I'd later find him passed out on the couch in the basement.

As everyone knows, I am a skilled Master of Fire. As such, I found myself alone forcing the flame to fulfill my will. I'd slam the hook on the end of the fire-poker into the log and chip another layer off, feeding the hot flames. But then, just when I'd let my guard down, (and set the poker down in the same spot we always keep it) I turned to pick up my pack of cigarettes. I lit up as my mind wondered toward the thought of a nice cold glass of coca-cola. In an uncharacteristic moment of weakness, I turned to walk toward the house in which the kitchen existed. That's when I felt the sudden and unavoidable reminder of where I left the fire-poker. It was directly under my attractive and completely awesome foot.

I BURNT MY F*CKING FOOT ON A HOT FIRE-POKER AND IT HURT LIKE HELL!

Hours later now, I've got this huge blistering welp across the bottom of my foot (which is still attractive and completely awesome btw) but at least the streak of black ash finally came off. I can still walk on it, and even run should I find myself in a life or death situation, but I can tell that this injury would be enough to kill the average human being.

Thank you and goodnight.